From the desk of Tim Jewell...
From my oldest memories, I remember being raised by my mom and observing every day how strong a woman she was. She pulled herself out of a family situation that nearly destroyed her will to achieve her ambitions but, instead of living up to the low standards that her family expected her, she went back to college late in her adult life and fulfilled her lifelong dream of becoming a teacher and an expert in education and classroom instruction.
Why do I detail her life? Because I grew up in a household that had a woman as the primary breadwinner and inspiration to her children. My brother and I grew up following her example both intellectually and emotionally and developed ourselves based on the support and resources that she gave us, and each of us grew into men that, I say with pride, are very different than the average American male, and very much distinct from the social standard to which many men in American and worldwide are held and expected to imitate. My brother and I grew up in a home that was structured around what I would consider feminine values, at least judging by the perspective that America has applied to its expectations of men and women both.
You know very well what I'm referring to. Men are, and have been, expected to be the head of the household for millennia and, even in a society where gender roles are seeming to become blurred, are expected to be tough and emotionless. The closest that our society allows men to true honesty is humor - though this goes far beyond simply the male role in America, it is especially noticeable in the dynamics of dating in the teen and twentysomething world - and the ultimate ideal for a male's self-development is expected in the culmination of his body into a muscular, sports-toned, sexualized machine.
Think of it this way, both male and female readers: when you step out in public and observe people walking by at a quick glance, who do you notice?
If you say you noticed the not-quite-skinny nerdy girl with glasses who is reading Charlotte Bronte by herself on a bench and gazing contemplatively at the crowd passing her by, or the tall scrawny kid wearing running shoes focusing intently on his schoolwork with only a brief glance up to watch the leaves, then you're probably lying.
The men and women who turn heads are the toned, athletic, fashionable, sexy types. And when I say sexy, I don't just mean slightly attractive or cute: I mean the Ryan Gosling types who turn heads with merely a thin V-neck shirt and a vague motion of their hands in your direction. I mean the Beyonce types who wear their cleavage and short dresses like a uniform and perform nuanced and lithe movements that make your body react in ways you didn't think possible.
There is something fundamentally disturbing about this occurrence:
The men and women who turn heads are idolized and noticed and fawned over for the way they appear, the way they move, and in some cases, the way they talk or joke or laugh or act during even brief conversations.
And this seductive first glance from the voyeur to the person being viewed can often carry over into the more personal and intimate aspects of a person's daily life: they might pass this person often or notice various people on various days who make them swoon at a simple raise of the eyebrows or half-cocked smile. Their attention to strangers and potential romantic interests begins to focus on the looks and the demeanor of everyone they meet who vaguely seems like a good prospect.
This is dangerous.
Building a friendship, or a relationship, or a casual dating situation, upon the foundations of attractiveness or humor or an arbitrary association of that person with "masculinity" or "femininity" is threatening to the possibility of happiness in the future of that relationship for both involved.
I'm not saying that any of us are at fault for this fascination with surface characteristics, and in the end, there is nothing inherently wrong with these qualities in a person. Everyone loves to laugh, to feel deeply intimate sexual desire, and to fit in with categories that ensure a person's comfortable conformity with society at large. These are innate human needs and, to a great extent, we need these to survive and succeed in a world that values these things.
But these traits are only the surface.
There are many incredibly essential and necessary human qualities that are thrown to the side in favor of the traits that I've mentioned. You know what I'm talking about. When was the last time you did a double-take towards someone who spoke eloquently, who recited an obscure poem from memory, who was able to keep you interested in a conversation about serious topics that had nothing to do with Facebook or Instagram? When was the last time someone's taste in music, books, or film swept you off your feet? And when did you last eagerly say yes to someone who asked you to accompany them to an art gallery or a bookstore?
Very basic examples, of course. But what I'm getting at is that hardly anyone looks beyond the surface to the characteristics that truly make us human. What sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom is our intellect. Humanity did not survive for tens of thousands of years warring with our neighbors and picking fights with assholes who looked at us the wrong way. Obviously, war and violence are facts of existence, and the body count left behind by ignorance and arrogance is undeniable.
But warriors, fighters, weightlifters, bodybuilders, airhead sex symbols, pop star divas, and teen idol actors and actresses did not carve out the most substantial aspects of society that we love and value today.
Why do I detail her life? Because I grew up in a household that had a woman as the primary breadwinner and inspiration to her children. My brother and I grew up following her example both intellectually and emotionally and developed ourselves based on the support and resources that she gave us, and each of us grew into men that, I say with pride, are very different than the average American male, and very much distinct from the social standard to which many men in American and worldwide are held and expected to imitate. My brother and I grew up in a home that was structured around what I would consider feminine values, at least judging by the perspective that America has applied to its expectations of men and women both.
You know very well what I'm referring to. Men are, and have been, expected to be the head of the household for millennia and, even in a society where gender roles are seeming to become blurred, are expected to be tough and emotionless. The closest that our society allows men to true honesty is humor - though this goes far beyond simply the male role in America, it is especially noticeable in the dynamics of dating in the teen and twentysomething world - and the ultimate ideal for a male's self-development is expected in the culmination of his body into a muscular, sports-toned, sexualized machine.
Think of it this way, both male and female readers: when you step out in public and observe people walking by at a quick glance, who do you notice?
If you say you noticed the not-quite-skinny nerdy girl with glasses who is reading Charlotte Bronte by herself on a bench and gazing contemplatively at the crowd passing her by, or the tall scrawny kid wearing running shoes focusing intently on his schoolwork with only a brief glance up to watch the leaves, then you're probably lying.
The men and women who turn heads are the toned, athletic, fashionable, sexy types. And when I say sexy, I don't just mean slightly attractive or cute: I mean the Ryan Gosling types who turn heads with merely a thin V-neck shirt and a vague motion of their hands in your direction. I mean the Beyonce types who wear their cleavage and short dresses like a uniform and perform nuanced and lithe movements that make your body react in ways you didn't think possible.
There is something fundamentally disturbing about this occurrence:
The men and women who turn heads are idolized and noticed and fawned over for the way they appear, the way they move, and in some cases, the way they talk or joke or laugh or act during even brief conversations.
And this seductive first glance from the voyeur to the person being viewed can often carry over into the more personal and intimate aspects of a person's daily life: they might pass this person often or notice various people on various days who make them swoon at a simple raise of the eyebrows or half-cocked smile. Their attention to strangers and potential romantic interests begins to focus on the looks and the demeanor of everyone they meet who vaguely seems like a good prospect.
This is dangerous.
Building a friendship, or a relationship, or a casual dating situation, upon the foundations of attractiveness or humor or an arbitrary association of that person with "masculinity" or "femininity" is threatening to the possibility of happiness in the future of that relationship for both involved.
I'm not saying that any of us are at fault for this fascination with surface characteristics, and in the end, there is nothing inherently wrong with these qualities in a person. Everyone loves to laugh, to feel deeply intimate sexual desire, and to fit in with categories that ensure a person's comfortable conformity with society at large. These are innate human needs and, to a great extent, we need these to survive and succeed in a world that values these things.
But these traits are only the surface.
There are many incredibly essential and necessary human qualities that are thrown to the side in favor of the traits that I've mentioned. You know what I'm talking about. When was the last time you did a double-take towards someone who spoke eloquently, who recited an obscure poem from memory, who was able to keep you interested in a conversation about serious topics that had nothing to do with Facebook or Instagram? When was the last time someone's taste in music, books, or film swept you off your feet? And when did you last eagerly say yes to someone who asked you to accompany them to an art gallery or a bookstore?
Very basic examples, of course. But what I'm getting at is that hardly anyone looks beyond the surface to the characteristics that truly make us human. What sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom is our intellect. Humanity did not survive for tens of thousands of years warring with our neighbors and picking fights with assholes who looked at us the wrong way. Obviously, war and violence are facts of existence, and the body count left behind by ignorance and arrogance is undeniable.
But warriors, fighters, weightlifters, bodybuilders, airhead sex symbols, pop star divas, and teen idol actors and actresses did not carve out the most substantial aspects of society that we love and value today.
So let me get back to my original point before I continue firing ammunition.
What does it mean to be a man? Or a woman, for that matter?
A man is someone who steps out of his comfort zone and takes risks. A man is someone who confronts challenges without fear and uses the best of his skills, knowledge, and ability to solve problems and deals maturely with failure or consequence, without taking out his rage and frustration on others. A man is someone who thinks before he acts and considers issues with foresight, research, and contemplation. A man is someone who is interested in what someone has to say and handles the conversation with the appropriate emotional or mental gravity, not lightening the situation with jokes when unnecessary and not reacting with impulsive remarks.
A man is not just someone who can deliver a knockout punch in a ring or bench 500 pounds.
The poet or author who risks his livelihood to pursue his passion for his craft is just as much a man.
The boyfriend or husband who listens attentively to his girlfriend or wife and treats her with respect and commitment is just as much, if not more, of a man.
The father who respects his children and earns their obedience through his honesty and integrity, allowing himself to be available when they need him, is just as much of, and represents some of the greatest qualities of, a man.
Once again, there is nothing wrong with being a fighter or a weightlifter or an actor or actress with a six-pack or enormous breasts and lips or the life of the party. But physical substance and the ability to entertain are far, far, far less important than emotional, mental, and intellectual substance. If you focus on your physical appearance or public persona at the sacrifice of your mental strength, you are destroying your own possibility of happiness.
When someone truly becomes your friend or decides to pursue a relationship with you, your buff exterior, trendy wardrobe and tattoos, or endless repertoire of movie quotes will no longer matter. What will matter is how you take care of them, how you respond to their good moods and bad moods, how you reciprocate their generosity and love, and how you endure trials alongside them beyond simply offering support and sympathy. These are all qualities of intelligence and mentality, and the happiest individuals living today and in the past and in the future were and are those who deeply understand and emphasize these qualities about themselves.
When you die, the legacy you leave behind will not be founded upon your attractiveness or your humor. The tastes of humanity change at the slightest whim, and if these are the qualities for which you are remembered, then your memory is doomed to obscurity. But humanity always remembers courage, intellect, innovation, individuality, kindness, love, and resisting the shallow and arbitrary social standards of the time imposed on the people of every era.
Hundreds of years from now and more, civilization will develop based on the precedents that we set in our own lives and decisions. How do we want to be remembered? What values will we transmit to our children and the emerging generations? Think carefully about your answer, and do not be afraid to search profoundly within yourself for the right one.
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