Confessions of a former "idiot"

At the end of my freshman year of undergrad, my GPA was 1.5 and I was on academic probation. I had failed not only Economics 101, but Freshman English…twice. I tell you this as a response to the idea that because I was (eventually) a successful English grad student and am now a composition instructor, I am in some way unable to understand the plight of struggling and seemingly apathetic students.

I cannot say that I was a struggling student because, if I had been, I would not have failed all those courses. And I cannot say that I was uninspired by those courses- on the contrary, they were all quite interesting to me. No, I was simply apathetic, which is the main reason I can now recognize apathy in my own students.

I was inspired by both of my English 105 teachers and by the subject. I already loved English and I was very interested in the topics at hand for both classes- in the first we discussed the fast food industry in America, and the second was about the war in the middle east. I would go to classes, excited to be there, and I would participate in the conversations. But, I almost never did my work, and when I did, I did it in a half-assed manner because that's how I did all of my work that year.

For about the first half of my Economics class, I was in fact a struggling student, but that didn't last. Economics is not a subject that comes easily to me and for awhile, I put in the effort to understand and I did indeed complete my work. But, apathy set in once again, and I simply stopped doing the work, deciding that I could continue to put in the time and effort but that I didn't want to.

Now, you're probably asking “why?” Why did I behave this way? Was it that I was working too much? I was, after all, working at Stater Brothers at the beginning of college and, by the end of the year, I was working fulltime hours at Disneyland. But, no, I can't say that that was it; during my third year, I took 20 units (five days a week of classes) and Friday nights and all day Saturdays and Sundays were spent at work. I received all As and Bs that year.

But, the difference Freshman year was that my heart wasn't in it (yes, I realize that's a cliché). And as much as I was interested in the topics and as much as I could have continued to grapple with the ones that I wasn't, nothing that any of my professors did could have changed my apathy.

But, someone did change me that year: my counselor. He told me, upon review of my first year grades, that maybe college wasn't for me. He said I should consider sticking with my job at Disneyland and making a career out of that. His words made all the difference because I knew they weren’t true. I dedicated myself to school after that. There was a 180 turn in my effort. Some people would have told that counselor that what he did was wrong and that he should have attempted to inspire me to work harder and not to lose my opportunity. Instead, what he did was cut to the chase and tell me what all my professors were probably thinking about me (if they had any thoughts about me that is). If I had had a different reaction- if I had responded by saying, "you're right, I don't belong here," then maybe that means I wouldn't have. Part of the college experience is realizing, for yourself, who you are and who you are going to be. You get to decide that.

As I mentioned, I was working much more often and under much more emotional duress the following year and taking much more difficult classes; but, I did well because I had decided that, no matter what it took, I was never going to be told that I wasn't college material.

There are people who are and are not college material all around us- and by the way, many people who aren't college material are extremely intelligent and intellectual thinkers. Some people whom I admire most in the world do not have college degrees and many of them are writers. And many of them did attend college for some years and discovered that, for better or for worse, it was not for them; many of them found their way in life and in their careers as a result of that decision.

Once again, the beautiful thing about college and life is that we all get to decide how we are going to spend our time and what is best for us and every once in awhile we will meet people who help us to discover what is that within ourselves. So, thank you to my freshman year professors, and thank you to that counselor who (maybe inadvertently) challenged me that day to prove myself. Professors, some people may say that you failed because I wasn’t inspired to do my assignments, but you inspired me nonetheless. Counselor, some may say that you failed because you didn’t seem to believe in me, but you caused me to act in a way that was in accordance with what I knew I was capable.

Looking back on all of this reminds me that a successful educator does not always give out As and may not always gingerly hold his students’ hands. I hope, if you’re thinking about becoming educators yourselves or if you are evaluating what it means to be an inspiration, you will remember that an education comes in many different forms and that the route to inspiring someone may not look like what you had expected.

Until next time,

Leena